Brenda,
You know I know your "story"...and you certainly know mine
, but I just wanted to post here to let you know that
YOU, my dear, are
NOT a "shameful secret." The fact that your birthmom hasn't been emotionally capable of sharing the story of your birth with her present family has nothing at all to do with
you , and has
everything to do with the way she internalized the events that took place during the time of conception, birth, and reliquishment. Search, contact and reunion rarely lend themselves to any sort of "rational" thinking -- but rather to that of the emotional side, and while you "rationally" know that
YOU ,
yourself are not a "shameful secret", I know it can feel that way.....been there, myself. Knowing that your mother has carried this with her for as long as you have been on this earth, is unfathomable to most of us, but in reality, it seems to be perfectly "normal". MANY birthmothers were unable to share the events with anyone......not because they are unfeeling, or uncaring women, but because they are
AFRAID . Afraid of losing everything and everyone in their lives....afraid of losing their future to their past.
Understandably, we, as adoptees,
can and
do put our birthmoms up on a pedestal -- partially because they gave us life, but also because we don't
KNOW them. It is easy to, thru out our lives, bestow upon them, all the attributes that we
want them to have, because they are enigmatic. When we get to the place in our journey where they suddenly become "real", everything changes. They have real faults and real lives and real situations that have absolutely nothing to do with us, and it's like a balloon being blown up in our faces. Reality hits, and we realize that just like us...just like everyone else we know....our birthmoms aren't perfect. They are just people. People like you and me. While it may feel like they fall, instantaneously from their pedestal, in reality, they are just slipping into their rightful place -- a place no higher or lower than anyone else -- the "human being slot".
It
IS hard to understand how our birthmoms can't even bring themselves to provide medical information -- mine wouldn't, either.....but maybe in that one moment, when coming smack dab in the face of fear, it's hard to think clearly. Maybe, given time, she will come around enough to realize how important this is to you. Only time will tell.
I've thought a lot about it in terms that may seem simplistic, but it helps me, in my mind, put things into perspective. I asked myself what my BIGGEST "tangible" fear in life is.....something I could equate this to -- something I could touch. And that would be snakes. If someone came up to my door, rang the bell, and, upon my opening the door, they threw a basket of snakes at me, what would my reaction be? I would imagine that I would throw my arms up to protect myself (deflect the unfathomable) and then, I would instinctively yell,
"NOOOOOOO"! It wouldn't be until later that I could look at it rationally (not reACTIONALLY) and say, "okay....this didn't hurt me. It didn't cause some life altering or apocolyptic outcome."
I think time plays a lot into this kind of thing, for many of us. We all go thru different stages after something like this happens, and I think it's a lot like the grieving process.....disbelief, sadness, anger...and eventually acceptance. We need to allow ourselves to experience it all, or we are cheating ourselves. I think our birthmoms need time to do the same.
My hugs are with you all the time!
Sally