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also
I agree completely with Dlouis' post. Adoptee's that grow up in homes that are lets say concrete, with lots of love understanding nurturing (list goes on) will definetly grow up "fitting in" while some adoptee's will forever bemoan the loss of their firstfamily they will not. As much as it hurts me to say. I think though it really has to do with emotional availability and confidence level. A reunion is like riding on a roller coaster, some would prefer to forgo this for they dont have the emotional strength to handle what goes on. Basically leave well enough alone. When I first found my son I was a total and complete mess, I was so ephoric I nearly landed myself in the hospital with sleep deprevation...not to mention slight amniesia..I couldnt even remember my name. Now one year later I am still suffering from the after effects of finding him, and still am unclear about what I want. In a way I am thankful that I found him when he is still to young to apprieciate being found for it gives me time to access and heal before I meet him. I think that if I had waited until he was 19 he would have run in fear for my emotions are all over the place. There are many days I feel that I dont ever want to meet him out of fear that the pain I have will grow upon meeting. Do I really want to suffer all my life? I have finally learned how to better deal with the pain I already have why add wood to the fire. While I am thinking this I am assuming that this is one of the reasons why a firstmother will chose not to meet her child, for we all have the pain of loss.
I would however love to hold him just once, but I am starting to realize that he cannot take my pain away, for it my pain is not about him its about me. So ya I guess I can say I am really starting to realize how a firstmother cannot and will not meet her child. For me I know my son is healthy happy, he looks strong, he is an honor roll student, in sports, has a great set of parents and a sister, is that not all a mother wishes for? On the flip side I guess I would meet him if he requested it, I think I would be scared to do so knowing I have nothing to offer him.
formerly
a_mothers_love
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