[Decision]

I find it really difficult as a firstmother to understand the true picture of no contact. I agree that there are many things that may bring anyone to that point. I think that for an adoptee wanting no contact it has alot to do with how they were raised, I am certain that there is the loyalty factor to consider as well. Adoption is so messed up, instead of enlarging families it dismembers them. When adoption was first about way back in the 1400, they fostered children to strengthen and unite two or more families, now we see a different approach, and like it or not it is about the adoptive parents wanting to have a family, the sad thing is it is not about the child any more, even though that is what they state, so bringing that into adoption we will always have one or another of the triad frightened of a reunion, thoughts of what does this person want goes through their heads, why? We are all told that adoption creates different families, we are all under the impression that when you are in one family you have no need for another, or worse an adoptee may feel disloyal to their adoptive family for wanting to know their other family. my personal opinon on that is the adoptive family has raised their children to be close minded, perhaps not in word but certainly action. Children are versitile creatures, they are sponges that soak up every emotion we have, no child would ever want to hurt their caregiver in fear of losing him/her. So even when an adoptive family maintains that they are open in speaking to their adopted children about adoption they are giving their children the message that it is not okay by way of emotion. Children are very astute, they grow and become but what they have learned and felt through their years from their parents will stick with them like gum, I have noticed that most adoptee's do not search until they are in their thirties, yes it is about maturity, as we get older so does our thinking, and we realise that hey we do not have to feel based on the reaction of our parents any longer. So really we can still sum up no contact with the need for educating about what adoption really should mean.
Firstmothers that dont want any contact, I had always thought that this was not possible, but now that I am in the feeling of rejection I can see clearly how these mothers feel, some of us are better at covering feelings than others, it is so much easier than digging them out to look at. All mothers think of their children, it is the fear of rejection that takes us to no contact. There are times that firstmothers will feel we have no right, there are times when we feel we are not good enough, anyone who is in this situation I feel for you, but I also suggest that you continue contact, if not with your firstmother than with family members, there is no law that stipulates you are not allowed to do so.
formerly
a_mothers_love