Hello, trinitysmom
I am a birthmom to an almost 9 y/o son. If you don't mind, I would like to share with you my experience and emotions felt when my son reached his first year birthday..... I was 19 y/o when he was born. I was emotionally unattatched and felt as though my grieving process was similar to the death of a loved one. I know from reading different postings that others related their feelings of loss similar to someone's passing. My mom (whose only brother was adopted) encouraged me to ask for what the attorney dubbed an "open adoption" which included pictures and letters for the first 3 years of his life. Why it was limited to that time frame I don't know. I was against it at first but my mom agreed that she would hold on to any of the correspondence until I was ready to look at it all. I was very happy that I listened! Anyways, back to the first birthday.... I remember feeling so sad and short tempered about a few weeks before my son's birthday. I couldn't put my finger on why or what was making me feel that way until it "hit me"..... I couldn't believe that it had been a year. I had kept my pregnancy and the adoption very secretive from most of my extended family and all of my friends in fear that I would be judged. Unfortunately not too many people knew so I didn't have the known knowledge that it was my son's birthday. I felt disappointment that I didn't try to raise him, guilt that I "gave my son away", and an extreme rollercoaster of highs and lows. I did go thru the first year of my son's life with the assistance of regular counceling sessions (a gift from my son's adoptive parents) but wasn't emotionally ready to let go and let God. It was around 3-4 years later that I began to speak about my son and share pictures with co-workers and friends. I truly feel this is where the healing began. I have always carried a picture of my first son's 1st bday party. He looks so happy and so much like me! I have since had the opportunity to begin a new family with my husband and have another son who is now almost 1.5 y/o. At my second son's first birthday I did experience a relm of emotions (completely unexpected!!!) but felt so blessed that I was given the chance to be with my first son for the 9 mos I carried him.
Thank you for posting and allowing me to share my story. If you'd like to write via email just let me know.
Hugs and God Bless!!!
Tiffani