[Carol Bird]

You've already made contact, so you just take it from there. I know what it's like to want to reach out and touch your child. God, I want the same and I had to learn to step back for fear of suffocating her.

Chris, I was being frank with you; I have several birthmom friends who tried to reunite when their daughter or son was 19 or under and today they are basket cases...the kids are too busy to give the birthmom the attention she hungers for, and then they feel guilty about it.

I was calling my daughter, who was 32 when she connected with me, every Sunday ... there would be stretches of silence and after about two minutes there was nothing to talk about. One day she said, You know, Carol, we really don't have that much to talk about on the phone ... we haven't built a "history" together yet.

I was crushed, but later I understood what she was saying ... it was true... both susan and I enjoy writing letters, though. As the granddaughters grew up our connections were more frequent and warmer and longer.

NOW THEY ARE TEENAGERS ... and I feel much like you're feeling right now.
After all those years of closeness with them, they are running loose in TEEN-DOM, and now I have to be patient while THEY grow up.

We have to let them have their lives without laying a guilt thing on them.
What do you have to say to your daughter every week? Aside from, "I love you" and "what are you doing in your life?" Generally it is just a rehash of a rehash.

A cute little card, photos, maybe a book now and then, and one or two calls a month are enough until SHE takes up the slack.

Just understand, Chris. She has a Mom and Dad; they've been an important part of her life ALL of her life. You are her first mother; her birthmother, and will have to create a place in her life once you both get to know one another.

Take it slowly, don't rush; don't make impossible demands; don't expect to be "Mom". Try to get to know HER A-parents (and refer always to them as your Mom and Dad).

Be PATIENT. Of Course she'll say a call once a week is okay ... she doesn't want to hurt you any more than you've been hurt by the separation. Sometimes we lay too much of a load on our kids. We SAY we don't want to interfere in their lives, but there's a big difference between words and actions.

I want my daughter in my live more than anything in the world ... that's why I stepped back and turned the "reins" over to her early on. It worked out very well, and we've shared 17 years so far.

That's really all I can offer you. Step carefully and be patient. She is in your life, and she will find room for you in her life as time passes.

Love and Hugs, Carol