To Chris and Wmn:
Let me begin by saying that I too yearned to hold my daughter in my arms again. I vowed that the day she turned 21 I would open all doors to my identity.
She turned 21 in 1975 ... 11 years later, after giving up hope of reunion, she phoned. She was 32 years old and had given birth to her first child - a girl - just five months earlier.
When Susan and I reunited she told me that she made an attempt to find me when she was 18, but got side-tracked.
Eighteen is a busy time in a kid's life. Their lives are really moving into the fast lane ... high school graduation, college, studying, career, family life, dating, and, in general, discovering life.
REUNION IS A HIGHLY EMOTION EXPERIENCE that tends to take ALL of your being ... the ups and downs, push and pulls can be unnerving and can even be damaging to a child.
She said that once again when she was around 25 she had the urge to find me, but she was changing careers at the time and was working on her Master's Degree; and once again she delayed the search.
REUNION SOMETIMES TAKES TIME AND PREPARATION. We need time to think about what we're looking for. What kind of relationship do we want with our birthfamily? WHY do we feel a need to know them?
Her parents were a wonderful, loving, supportive couple who were looking forward to knowing me one day. They had no objections to reunion.
It was when she became pregnant and felt my first granddaughter stirring, that she began to feel a strong urge to meet the woman who conceived and gave birth to her.
As fate would have it, it was her Mom who started the ball rolling. Her Mom and Dad had retired to Florida and my daughter and son in law were living in Washington, DC. One morning, when my first granddaughter was 5 months old, the phone rang. the caller was my daughter's Mom, urging her to turn on a TV talk show, that, at that moment was featuring Adoption Reunions.
My daughter called the phone number they gave on the program, requested a registration form, filled it out and returned it...and within days received a phone call telling her they had a "Match" (it was the International Soundex Reunion Registry (not on line), the oldest Reunion Registry in the world. YEP, I was registered there since she was 21.
Today that five month old granddaughter is looking forward to her 17th birthday in August and her little sister turned 15 this past Feb.
My daughter and son in law, not both 49, live in Michigan (I'm in Florida). I had 17 years of knowing two of the most wonderful, loving, understanding Adoptive Parents in the world ... and will cherish memories of them through eternity. Her Mom died last Julyat the ripe age of 85, and her delightful Dad, who would have been 97 in June, died just this past March. The world has lost two of God's Earthbound Angels.
My daughter said in most cases 18 and even 25 are far too young for the stressful roller coaster ride we call Reunion. She was well prepared, having a degree in psychology and tons of good common sense.
It wasn't easy for me, but as I look back now I realize that God had a purpose in selecting the time of our Reunion. In spite of all the support and reading and love, we still had our problems early on in our reunion. The first few years were quite a ride.
Believe me, it is worth waiting for. Be patient and let your child grow up. Let her/him prepare for LIFE. Let them experience life independently before jumping into reunion.
Get a copy of The ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE, by Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens, and Marlou Russell's ADOPTION WISDOM. I believe both are in the book shop here at
http://www.adoption.com
Also, print out a copy of THE TOP TEN WAYS TO A HAPPY REUNION and
REUNION SOCIALIZATION from our library at
http://www.adoptionlibrary.com
There are some wonderful books and articles to help guide you. Use your "waiting time" preparing for the Reunion that will come in a couple of years.
And ... try to build a good relationship with your child's adoptive parents ... There must be more like Sylvia and Harold in this world; you'll be all the richer from knowing them.
Love and Hugs and GOOD LUCK,
Carol Bird