[Roxanne]

In my experience I didn't identify my self with the disorder tell I started the search. I was a raped. Gave birth to a beautiful little boy at 15. I truly beleive his in a good home. And is loved. But in my search It opened up all kinds of memories. I hurt deep. I Went into a deep depression. I went into counsling and was diagnosed then. I understood after counsling sessions and looking up sites on the web . Why I had drank. (to forget), couldn't keep a good relationship. (couldn't trust anyone) Why I had so much fear. And why I had so much anger and hurt that wouldn't go away. I was misunderstood for years for the Freaky things , I'd do without thinking first. I suggest anyone that is a rape victim to get help. If you don't It will control your life. PTSD, is a life time trauma. Not curable. But you can control your emotions with understanding your self better. Once my family and friends were told of my condition they became more understanding and forgiving of my actions in the past. They are very supportive of counsling. And Search. I am going to search. But slowly . I don't want to overwhelm my emotions tell I can get more prepared if my son rejects me. Rejection is hard on us with PTSD. We have low self-esteem and Mood swings. I used to be told that I fly by the sit of my paints. Or the Rainbow chaser. Nothing was ever consistant. And with my other children I found I had a hard time holding them. They knew I loved them. And I was over protective. But physical contact was hard for me. And the more trauma that came into my life . was devasted. And trust me I attracted trouble. No law. Just naive ways. I sheltered myself. Hide out. But always had attracted weirdo's into my life in some way. I beleive, God and counsling. and new friends (Michelle). And trusting in a better way of life and future. I thank God for all the angel that protected me from my self. And watched over my other kids. They are strong and leaders. I'm grateful for them in my life. I look forward to al my tommrows. For I know that its only up from here. If I stay in counsling. And Pray. I hope this helps someone. Roxy [email]4x4forus@cableone.net