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Originally Posted By Kathleen Silber

It sounds as if you have a wonderful opportunity to adopt your niece's baby. Even though this is a kinship adoption, you still need a home study and to complete the legal paperwork to adopt the child. This can either be done through attorneys in both states (independent adoption) or adoption agencies in both states. Both methods require filing the necessary paperwork for the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (ICPC) since you both live in different states. This is not as complicated as it may sound, and adoptions across state lines occur on a daily basis! You will need to decide whether you are going to do this as an independent adoption or agency adoption (you should call resources in both states to inquire about costs, complexities, etc.) and then retain the services of attorneys or agencies in both states to help you with this adoption.

In either case, the birthmother cannot sign the legal documents relinquishing the child for adoption until after the birth of the baby--and in most states until after she has been medically discharged from the hospital. You should be able to have the baby discharged to your custody pending her signing the relinquishment and your waiting (typically in a hotel) for ICPC approval before you can return to your home state.

While I personally advocate open adoption, I understand that some birthparents and adoptive parents choose to do closed adoptions. However, I strongly recommend that your niece get counseling to explore the emotions involved in placing a child for adoption (to prepare her for the grief experience), as well as to explore her feelings about closed vs. open adoption (this would be provided by an agency if you do an agency adoption). Frequently, birthmothers state that they do not want to see the baby in the hospital, as your niece has stated, and do not want any further contact with the child because they think this will be easier. They somehow think that by doing this, they can "forget" about the baby and the adoption. Research and decades of experience with birthmothers in closed adoptions have shown that birthparents do not forget, even if they try to do so. Your niece deserves to be prepared for the normal grief experience that all birthparents go through, whether they have a closed or open adoption. Once she is prepared for the realities of adoption, she may discover she wants more contact than she thinks. That is, once she realizes she is going to grieve, she may discover that having some information about the child will help her work though the normal feelings of grief (and, in my experience, this does help!).

Regardless of what your niece decides about open or closed adoption, I do not recommend your agreeing to not tell the child that he/she was adopted or to not tell him/her about his/her birthmother. Adopted children deserve openness and honesty from the beginning, so there are no surprises in later years. Secrets do not work, and kids always manage to find out the truth eventually anyway, and they are usually very angry with their adoptive parents for deceiving them over the years. So, you should let your niece know that you plan to be open and honest with your child about his/her adoption and about the love that went into his/her birthmother's decision to place him/her for adoption. You can honor her request not to identify her as the birthmother, but you cannot promise her that the child will never be able to find her. Anyone can be found these days!! And your child may feel the need at some point to search for her. No one can be promised confidentiality forever!

Also, even though you state that the birthfather is out of the picture, he has legal rights in this matter, and his legal rights must be terminated in court. This process varies state by state, but you will want to follow the correct legal procedure in your two states to be sure that you have a legally sound adoption.

Best of luck!

Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
Co-Author "Dear Birthmother" and "Children of Open Adoption"