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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear Wmanning,

It sounds as though this is a very difficult and stressful time for your entire family, and particularly for you. Adoption is an emotionally difficult process and can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Our Center advocates professional counseling and education before the adoption, preferably while the birthmother is pregnant. We have seen many, many kinship adoptions, such as this one, work out beautifully, but it is important for everyone to discuss how they feel about the new relationships adoption creates. We always recommend a written open adoption agreement be made before the adoption so that these new relationships and boundaries are clear.

Unfortunately, the problems you describe reflect the absence of such important support and preparation before the adoption.

I encourage you to continue with the counseling and to continue family counseling with your sister and brother-in-law. It is important that you all work out your relationship with your birthdaughter together. Find a counselor who specializes in adoption issues, and work out a written open adoption agreement. This agreement will clarify all of your relationships to each other and to your birthdaughter, including how often you visit, what kind of contact you have, etc.

It sounds as though your birthdaughter’s parents have some fears about adoption, including fears about contact between you and your birthdaughter. It is normal for adoptive parents to initially feel threatened and fearful about open adoption, but this contact will be beneficial to their daughter as she grows up.

I encourage your sister and brother-in-law to learn as much as they can about open adoption. There may be some half-day or one-day workshops on adoption in your area. Perhaps they can attend a meeting of an adult adoptees support group, such as the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA) and learn about some of the difficult issues adult adoptees face, particularly those who do not know their birthparents.

They may also want to read some books about open adoption. My book, "Children of Open Adoption", examines the experience of many children in open adoptions, from infancy to adolescence. "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia might also be helpful. Tapestry Books offers a free adoption book catalog, 1-800-765-2367, with many good resources. I encourage you to help your sister and brother-in-law learn more about open adoption so they will feel more comfortable with it.

Best wishes as you and your family work through these difficult issues.

Regards,
Kathleen