[JanetM]

Diane and all,
I do truly thank you for your inputs. I had been able to hide my pregnancy and recently shared with a client of mine that I am a bmom. She and her husband have tried unsucessfully for 11 years to have a child and will begin the process of starting to try to adopt next year. We cried with each other and shared a lot and are going to begin having lunch regularly. Hearing what her experiences have been like in umpteen fertility clinics certainly give me a different perspective on things especially since in fact our son's Aparents spent umpteen years with failed fertility treatments. Understanding where the other side is coming from does help bridge the gap I think between Aparents and Bparents.

That said I guess at a time when I am grieving so much and feel like I have sacrificed so much, I have paid the ultimate sacrifice and to find out that the Afather is afraid of us now seems like the final blow. Like what else do you want me to do? I loved my son enough to know that I couldnt gamble with his life. I didn't want to be a parent at the time of his birth, nor did my husband. We didn't want to take a chance with our son's emotional health raising him under these circumstances. His birth changed us and forced us to deal with some rather serious childhood demons that we were only forced to confront with our son's birth. We know that you don't put pause buttons on children while you get your own act together. We know our son has bonded with his parents. We want the best for our son, always have. Taking him away from them would not be the best thing for our son even attempting to do so would not be the best thing. Our son is the important one. His life is not here to fulfill our own egos and it shouldn't be to fulfill his parents egos. He is not an object, he is a child. My own feelings are irrelevent, always have been, and always will be.

So I say...

If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll want her son back" -tough luck I made the best choice at the time of his birth. I CAN'T have him back so this is irrelevent

"If she doesn't get pg right away, it will be such a disappointment to her"-True. However since our son was a failed vasectomy, my husband has had both a semen analysis done and a physical and we have had the results analyzed by FOUR different doctors and all have said there have been no problems AND I had our son less than a year ago and I visited my OB/GYN in January asking about this very thing, its pretty darned unlikely I've suddenly developed secondary infertility. The aparents KNOW all of this stuff too.
"If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll want to keep coming to visit this son" - This is a semi-open adoption with no agreements other than they will provide letters and pictures. The visit was a one time thing.

"If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll never move past the pain of not raising this son"-True this is possible but why do you really care? You are now parents, this is what you always wanted, I have no rights until he is 21 and that is only to search for him. So I don't move past the pain. Who cares. You haven't seen me since September. I am for all practical purposes merely some genetic material and housing for your son for nine months. No more, no less.

(-"If she doesn't get pg right away, she might blame my boy or his pregnancy for the delay" - Given followup doctors appointments neither my husband's urologist nor my OB/GYN are concerned about this.

And JanetM, few aparents are worried about the *legalities* of a birthmom asking to raise the child ...they worry about the emotional aspect of that request. All the bmom has to do is ASK - even though legally the aparent doesn't have to agree, what are they going to do...give up the child they love or tell the child later that "bmom wanted you back but we said no?" EEK!- Okay I do understand this. I have bent over backwards to reassure them we have no regrets. I feel like I can do more.

Truthfully I am at the point that when we DO get pregnant I really feel like withholding this information from the Aparents until/unless they specifically ask. I know the Amom would love to know when it does happen so in this mean spiteful way I'd like to withold the info to hurt the Afather.



Thanks all for listening to this little tirade. I appreciate it. i do know you guys go through pains I'll hopefully never know to become parents.



Peace,


JanetM