[kretzklan]

It happens and it happened to us. We received referals in April - visited in July and spent 7 days with the two children. We found out in September, while waiting for court, that they were no longer available for IA (a family member was unwilling to sign the papers). It was devastating...feels like a death - in our case - two deaths. We wanted to quit...really thought we would quit. Then a friend asked me, "can you only be a mom to those children or do you have room in your heart and home for the children that are waiting for you?" Honestly, that haunted me for awhile. There were other children waiting - not just for us - but for a family. We were so prepared, could we just think about ourselves only and stop? In the end, we decided to move forward. It was all very fast - new referals in October and court in November (our first visit was waived by an incredibly kind judge and VERY good in-country agency folks). Do we still think of them? Yes. We celebrate their lives and where we hope they are now - safe with their family in Russia. We remember their birthdays - we look at their pictures - we include them in prayer. They are part of our children's adoption stories. Not a scary part, but a truthful part. They are the ghost siblings that our youngest kids don't know...our oldest remembers them and we laugh about the funny things they did and said.
What do you do to move past it? I don't have a hard and fast answer. It depends on you and how you believe in handling things. I can say that sadly, my attachment to my children was a very tough struggle and I have wondered if my grieving for the first kiddos added to that struggle. I'll never know.
We try to keep track of them and we think that we would still adopt them if that situation arose. But, you can never really know!
There are others here who have lived through this (and worse). It can be done!