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Queenie wasn't a baby, she was 2 1/2, and we had her for 3 months. That was long enough to love her. On June 12 she will have been gone for 1 year. It took me 2 months of grieving before I stopped bursting into tears at random moments every day. Now I'm down to random tears about 3 times a week. And I don't cry as hard or as long.
One thing that has helped me is that I recently found out that she was living with a relative in a different part of our state. Just knowing that she's fine helps.
I've had 6 other kids in my home since then. 4 have gone to relatives and the other 2 are most likely going to stay with me forever. I love every one of them, but it hasn't dulled my love for Queenie--just made the pain softer. I'd take her back today if they called me.
I know that I wasn't sure that I could do it again. I surprised myself. Willingly opening yourself up to the pain is a very strange thing. I read somewhere once that pain was inevitable, suffering was optional. I didn't understand that until I lost my daughter. I wish I could say that I chose the high road right away. What I have found, though, is that for me, the choice to continue to foster is what has helped me move on through the pain.
I wish you peace in your separation. It is the hardest thing I've done. I agree. You don't ever really get over it. You just learn to live with it.
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