I am speaking as an adoptee who was denied a reunion that I really wanted...
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Her needs are being lost for everyone else’s....
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I don't see that all. I see someone who is trying to balance the needs of her DD with those of the rest of her family. Something that must happen if you are to have a healthy reunion IMO...
Leaving her alone or trimming back this reunion will likely hurt her feelings far more than working this out. I'll post more in a minute but I wanted to get that out there... I think you are acting VERY responsibly.