[Isabo]

Originally Posted by Jennasmom1990

I have 3 other children that I am raising, my bdaughter is very excited to meet them. As they are her as well. The problem is the amom doesn't want her to come here to visit with them, she wants to wait until we come to MD for vacation to allow her to meet the other 3 children. My husband is very opposed to this idea bc the orginal agreement was that I would go there to her the first meeting but that when the time comes for my bdaughter to meet my other children she would come here to an environment that they are comfortable in as they are quite a bit younger than she is. We are talking about a 15 y/o, an 11 y/o with high functioning autism, and a 9 y/o. The change happened when my bdaughter's amom found out that we were coming to her area for vacation. In her mind that meant that my bdaughter could meet the other kids without the amom haveing to send her here to do it. It also allows for the amom to try to some whqat control the meeting, which after my visit, I can tell you my children will never be exposed to her. My husband says absolutely no.

Jennasmom,

I completely understand where you are coming from, as my son's amom has tried to control my relationship with him and has done a lot of damage to my relationship with my son. However, she has also damaged her relationship with him as well. It is too bad that she could not see the damage she was doing by holding on so tightly. She complained to my son's wife that "she just couldn't get rid of me!". This, after HER seeking me out when my son was an adult ....

I mention this because I want you to understand that I DO understand and sympathize. I also understand your concern about your other kids and their comfort level. Can I suggest some kind of compromise (and I know it is your husband I need to convince). I understand that your son has autism, and I truly do not know what is entailed to make him comfortable, so please take this suggestion with that in mind. You haven't said so, but I get the feeling that amom would want to be at the meeting with the younger kids if the meeting happens on vacation. Have you thought about maybe meeting with your daughter only (no amom) and your other kids in a park-like setting, or where you go to an event like a ballgame? Something where the focus isn't so much on reunion, where your daughter can play with the kids and just hang out with them - the adults (you and your hubby, no amom), just kind of sit back and let it happen? Almost like a play date? Maybe you could visit a park each day for several days before your daughter meets with you, to build your childrens' comfort level in the setting, and then have your daughter come to meet them?

Also, if this were to take place, the agreement would need to be that your daughter would still come to visit, and I would set the date and make the arrrangements ahead of time. I understand that none of this may be possible, but I thought I would throw this out there.

Amom is hurting herself at this point, but she also has the huge potential to hurt your relationship with your daughter.

And I just have to say that you are NOT strangers. I think it is so sad to hear over and over again that aparents are nervous because their children are going to meet strangers. You are not and have never been a STRANGER to your daughter.

Edited to add: I sent this too quickly. I wanted to say that Dpen has a good point that maybe this is not a good time to pursue in-person reunion if amom is so against it. The pressure amom will put on your daughter is/will be hurtful to her, and she is too young to have to deal with the push/pull between all the parents. I do agree with that.
Good luck to you,