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I say stop. Stop thinking about whats best for you, your raised chidlren(they don't know what it s to be dopted), her amom, or most especially your husband.
You aretaking this young girl and putting conditions on her very existence. Her amom is doing the same. Everyone elses needs and wants are coming before the very one that was adopted. Nevr mind the contest between who gets away with what. Think about hopw this young girl is feeling torn between what she wants/needs and has an amom calling the shots, an husband of her bmom calling the shots and her 1/2 brothers and sisters needs coming before her own.
Until the adults can get it right I think it should all just stop. Don't meet up with her at all. Tell her that you love her but it is not a good time. Tell her she needs to live her life and become an adult without the added [pressure of birthfamlies and adoptive families fighting over her.
Her needs are being lost for everyones elses....
She may tell you she wants to meet up but in all actuality thetesnion and fighting is not GOOD FOR HER at this stage in her life. She has her own life to figure out at this point and does not need the added stress of being the catalyst of tension and upheavel for bith birth and adoptive families. Let her grow some more and gain some confidence so she can speak for herself. So she can truly decide what is best without the added pressure of husbands and raised childrens needs.
Maybe an email corrospondense is best at this time. nothing more. Sometmes being a parent is knowing waht is best for the child.
I really find it laughable thatpeople think 18 is an adult and can porocesswith an adult mind. Theycan't. The brain is not fully devolped until early 20's. Scientific fact. the fact that many birthfamilies use the magic age of 18 as a benchmark is only self serving.
I speak as an adoptee that has felt the anxiety of being a pwn for everyoe else. It is not just her adoptive mother that is treating her like a pawn, it is you and your husband also.
Leave her be.
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