[lucyjoy]

Well, for starters, stop beating yourself up, it's draining and it won't help. I also would recommend posting on the special needs section of this forum where all us worn out horrid parents usually post.

Did you use an agency to adopt and did they bother to give you information on attachment disorder or post institutionalized issues? If not, that's where I'd recommend you start researching.

I'd recommend finding a therapist who deals with attachment and post institutionalized issues. Not only can they help your child, they can help you with ways to handle her so that you don't feel like a horrible person and can reestablish some control and fun in your household.

Spend some one on one time with each of your children, they need it with mom and with dad. Make date nights with your wife, even if it's just movie night on the couch or a candle light dinne at home after the kids are asleep. It's important to keep that relationship healthy as the parenting can drive a wedge between couples.

How old is your child? With the language barrier and the disability, are you able to communicate with each other?

It might help as well to see this from the child's standpoint. Put yourself in her shoes-if someone came and took you from everything you know, planted you somewhere where you couldn't understand the language or the culture, could you just step into your husband/dad roll not knowing where everything and everyone you knew went? That's what we ask our kids to do when we bring them across the country to our families. Yes, we understand that left there, their lives would NOT be good aging out of an orphanage with disabilities. But they only see that they have no control.

Lots of parents feel like you do, especially in the early years of adoption. There is hope for life to be better.

Repost this question in the special needs section and you will likely get more responses from people who have been through this.