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I have found myself in various versions of what your going through in my life time ....and my way of thinking is; do I want to be the bad guy here or the good guy? do I want to be the person causing the stress or the person helping to console?....
cuz the more you fight with her about these people the tighter she may hold on to them. they will become the underdogs that she needs to protect.
And why in the world should you miss out on your own sons graduating festivities, with "your" family...
you are ostracizing "yourself" by doing what your doing...and if it's not working...why do it?
it sounds like they may always have a stormy relationship....and there may be many more times where she may cut off contact with them...so will you then stand there and say I told you so each time?....
I just don't think that is what she will want to hear or even if you don't say it....will she feel it? it will just be another wedge to send your relationship awry. I don't think you want that. I'm sure she sees her families faults too... you don't have to rub her nose in it...and punish her for it.
I really think if you recede some... she will be very proud of you for doing it.... and sitting next to her at your sons graduation day and being there for her and your son the whole day, maybe if you stay busy with the camera or video camera, taking pictures to record the days events you will not have to chichat with those you wish not to.
Your choices are clear to me, you can either be the good guy and be there for her to help her through it....be her knight in shinning armor.... or be a ugly big brick wall refusing to budge or support her in anyway, and thereby drifting farther and farther apart.
in a way it seems you are saying to her....its either me or them.... please don't ask that of her.
maybe some anger threapy for yourself may benefit you before this event happens to find ways to let go of things that are destroying the very things you love.
learn ways to stay neutral, and let go of things that don't matter in the bigger picture and choosing your battles a bit more carefully so your not ever on the losing end.
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