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Is your wife stuck between a rock and a hard place because...birth mother by her manipulation brings up the fact each time that you are not there and your wife must then make excuses to pacify her birth mother? If yes, then perhaps you are the one she lashes out at because she trusts you, that is a natural instinct and once identified can be dealt with by using some agreed upon sign that she needs to take a breath and chill.
I feel for you because you are up against feelings in your wife about her birth family that come from so far inside her that they are instinctive...
Good luck,
Dickons
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