So much depends on so many factors that it really is difficul to say that X + Y = Z. One of my kids was prenatally exposed to meth and alcohol. Then was neglected for the first 9 months. I could not, honestly, tell you if it is the alcohol or the neglect that has done more damage. He's a generally happy child (age 9 now) who does well with lots of love and support. He used to not be able to deal with change very well, had a bunch of sensory problems, HUGE tantrums, etc., but has been working diligently to train himself and is doing well.
Other son was prenatally exposed to about 6 different substances including alcohol, and was born addicted to heroin. He has been developmentally delayed from the get-go. No big deal to us, but then we love him, so it isn't some theoretical child somewhere. He's Our Child. He's a very sensitive young man who can be very kind and tender at times. He tells me I'm the bestest mom, so he obviously is a bright child.
He's very active and has great difficulty sitting down much. Dinner can be a bit trying as we have to keep calling him back to the table. He's not going to be super advanced and in the honors program. (Probably. Who knows what the future holds?) He is sweet, charming, kind to animals, and ALL boy. (ie: he's never not covered in dirt and usually has a tear in his pants...even the NEW ones!
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ALL parenting is overwhelming and pulls you to the brink of insanity at times. Kids bring chaos, love, heartache, fufillment, and every other emotion out there. You just have to do your best to carefully consider your decisions, and then go with it.
We were SO very careful to not adopt a child with alcohol related issues. Yep. Veeeerrry careful. So our first adoptive child has probable FAE, our second has at least FAE, our third was screened and disqualified as full FAS but needs to be screened again in a couple of years for FAE. Our fourth adopted child is really unknown. We just kind of go with the flow.
After a certain point we realized that we could not really control a whole lot of this process! We did our best to be ultra careful the first time out...and found out that no matter what you can be blindsided with unexpected diagnoses. We were careful and methodical in how we planned our adoption process, and then just had to make a giant leap of faith at the end, anyway.
