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Doublej:
Welcome to the forum. Let me start my reply by saying I am an adoptive parent -- but I can lend my thoughts on your questions.
You are right to be concerned about the very difficult feelings that will result for your and your son't mother by placing your child. If you do decide that is the right decision taking into account the best interest of all involved, you will need to be prepared for those feelings and how you and your son's mother will deal with them. At the very least, the professional that you chose to work with (attorney or agency) will provide counseling (at the cost of the adoptive parent(s)) to help with these issues. This counseling should begin before the decision to place is made, to help you and your son's mother make clear, well-thought out choices. It should never be your responsibility alone to make these decisions or live through the feelings that result.
As for resentment, frankly, this could happen with a child that you parent. However, you can seek out an open adoption situation that would at least allow you to have a role in your child's life. This brings up a whole new set of issues that should be discussed with your counsellor -- but open adoption is a way for you to have a relationship with your child that could reduce the possibility of resentment that you are concerned about.
Bottom line, both you and your son's mother need to seek out a professional that will provide you with the unbiased guidance that you need to make your decision and move forward with whatever path you chose to take for your child. Do not work with someone who cannot provide professional, competent counseling -- it is the key to reducing the chance of making a difficult situation worse.
I do hope you can find a professional you trust that you can work with and can get the information you need to make the decision that is right for your child, you, and his mother.
I also hope other birthparents can chime in and help you with this very difficult set of choices.
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