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Vogi, I also think that is a thoughtful post....and very probing.
I have tried to articulate why DH and I made the decision we did years ago (and yes, except for full cauc, we checked the "biracial" box meaning a white birth parent whether there was an asian, latino birthparent, etc.) I understand that people will not agree with our decision, may think we are racist or whatever. I really don't have a problem with that because if you knew DH and me as our friends and family do, it would be laughable. Really. Both DH and I have worked in the black community in our city (that's where we met 15 years ago and DH still works there), have very good black friends and are not "uncomfortable" around black people. (I hate even writing that because I know what it sounds like, but I feel sort of compelled to put that "out there.")
But one "assumption" that keeps bugging me is that a kid who is biracial is going to identify ONLY with being black. Some do, sure. Some don't. My best friend, another friend and my cousin identify themselves as biracial and also value their white parent/relatives. They are not trying to "hide" or minimize being black...how could they? That is essential part of who they are and they are incredibly proud of it. But again I can only speak about the people I know (and even then, I am not in their shoes). And I know that society may only see them as black (I think Obama had a line about what the cab driver "sees" when he hails a cab), but I think every person has the right to define themselves regardless of how society "sees" them.
I recently posted an article about new dialogues on "mixed race" and I am frankly soooo glad for my DD's sake that there are now more and more people who refuse to "label" themselves as society may want to label them. I am hoping that this will be helpful to her as she navigates her way through life.
When we were thinking about adopting, I was really trying to "minimize" what I thought might be tough for an adoptee in TRA....realizing that heck, if they had a white birth parent and had white relatives, etc., we at least could "represent" that. And selfishly I guess I worried about rejection (from the child) and thought maybe we would face "less" of that. I was scared to death about adopting in general because as many of us know, until you have your child, you can have all sorts of fears (and I have a husband who is adopted). That's what I meant when I talked about being more comfortable adopting a kid with a white birth parent. Is it probably a very limited and "uncomplicated" way of looking at things....maybe....but when you are making these kinds of decisions, they are at bottom extremely emotional and personal ones.
The other thing is that the birth parents in a pre-birth match have a CHOICE of who raises their child. Believe me, if DD's birth dad thought that we were racist or trying to "deny" her being black, I don't think we would have been chosen (though frankly maybe he would have preferred an AA adoptive parent, but there were none presented). And I certainly think he would express his concerns now...he's not shy.
I was going to stay out of the fray here (I am sort of "done" being judged here), but I do want to say that if people have made the decision to adopt a biracial child, I certainly wouldn't want them "scared off" for fear of being labeled a racist, a moron or worse. Despite some expression that there is a "fad" sweeping the nation of people wanting to adopt biracial kids, I know from personal experience that sadly this is not true.
I also just wanted to add that there is a study recently published about how well TRA adoptees do (of course, it's just a study and any individual situation may be different). I have to think that at least part of it is that people think long and hard about what works best for their families.
Anyway, I think people are moving on to greener pastures not because of the frank discussion but because of the heavy-duty judgment passed on people whom I sense are really good people (I think I am, for sure!). I value the former but can't tolerate the latter.
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