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From an adoptee's point of view, I think it's a situation that must be handled carefully. It's not always comfortable to combine a and b families. People get territorial and jealous and I think that's to be expected given the nature of the situation.
My advice for you is to respect your daughter and what she asks of you--because whether or not she knows what is best for her, she is the only person with the power to maintain or neglect a relationship with you. I wouldn't ask about her amom if she doesn't want you to have a relationship with her amom. I imagine it's difficult if you are curious, but I would just let her know that you are there if she wants to talk about it--but don't take it anywhere else. I can't even imagine how hard that is, but that's my advice.
She obviously has a great desire to feel connected to you, so by respecting what she says she needs, you will only grow your relationship. I am only 5 years her elder, but I understand your daughter. If someone tries to tell me what is best for me, I desire to rebel. If someone puts herself out there for me, I desire to confide in her.
Try to understand that whatever pain and confusion you feel about the situation, it's only worse for the adoptee. I think we live our whole lives with so many questions unanswered. It's a very confusing time for her I imagine. Just be considerate of her and be honest and try to understand everyone's point of view. You wont go wrong--but it may take some time to build this relationship.
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