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I think you and I have a very similar initial story. I think I would react to the situation in the same way that you have. Fortunately, my bmom lives far enough away that she couldn't drop in like that. However, I have experienced some of the guilt that you describe--however deliberate or undeliberate it is.
Basically, I think that as an adoptee, we have every right to be selfish in this matter. However, as a person, it's hard to act selfishly for long. There are so many things that I didn't understand about reuinion--I just sort of jumped into it. I knew a little bit about the situation--but had no idea how many people would be affected by my desire to reunite with my bmom and brother.
I do not regret at all the decision to make contact, and I immediately felt an overwhelming love for my older brother Josh (27) and younger siblings Becca (21) and Chris (18). However, I was so lucky that I could bust into their lives and that they would be so accepting. (My younger siblings did not know about me.)
It's complicated and unique to each situation. In your case, it sounds like your bmom does not fully understand how your feel or why you feel that way. I know that her heart has been hurting ever since you were adopted, but that was a risk she took and a choice she made. I think you are in the right, but I understand your guilt. I do think you should try to find a way to help her understand why you feel the way you do. Possibly if she backs off your feelings could change?
For me, I wrote a letter and my brother Josh called me first. It was very awkward. My bmom called me the next day and cried a lot on the phone and I remember being surprised that I didn't feel any emotion. I always thought I would be overwhelmed by a particular sentiment, but instead I sat there awkwardly hoping to get off the phone so I could just go process it all. That was over a year ago, and I'm still thinking it all out.
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