[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee45

Now I'm taking care of her because she's unable to take care of herself anymore and when my daughter is doing what she's doing now all I want to do is scream at my mom or not take care of her and just let her die. I wouldn't do that. I love my mom in spite of the stuff but I still resent her. But I still feel those feelings and I can't do that. I dont' know if that makes any sense.

It makes absolute sense to me..
John Bradshaw made a series of tapes called ‘Finishing Your Business With Mother’.. a six and half hour workshop.. (I can not give the link as it’s a money making page)
And he wrote a lot of books about how to sort the abuse and the dysfunctional family and or members..

I had those tapes at one point in my life and I did what he told me to do.. I did meditations on telling her how wrong she was and how angry I was.. and I actually connected on a deep level with my feelings..
It helped..

And I looked at my resentments towards her.. how she did not help me when I was pregnant.. how she sent me into abortion places.. and it took me a while to understand that my mom was just a person that was messed with herself.. she acted because this is what she was taught kind of thing..
And that in turn helped me to forgive myself.. as I acted as I was taught.. I did what society wanted me to do.. etc etc..

Obviously there are a lot of other "issues" I resent my mom for but the only one that really gets me wanting to scream at my mom is my daughter's actions. She wouldn't be doing that if she hadn't been adopted by those unfit people. I would have raised her to be a good person like my other kids turned out to be.

But you can not go back.. its done..
Such freedom in that kind of thinking.. you got today.. you got right now..
It’s the resentment that keep taking us back out.. I used food as a way to cope for years.. and then I would vomit the food and say to my mom.. who was not there.. “Its all your fault.”
And I did serious damage to my body.. things I have to deal with now..

I hurt me.. I was running in circles..

I now look at my resentments the minute they show up.. and I deal with them..
I say to myself.. why are you angry? What has gotten you so upset.. what is the trigger..
And I then do not go out and buy a barrel of ice cream or a chocolate fudge brownie..
If I did use those drugs I would be in trouble with my cholesterol.. and I would clog my arteries and I may end up having a stroke or something horrible.. and I do not want to let that happen.. so I have to sort what needs to be sorted right away..

There are tools.. there are books there are ways..

I just wish I knew why she hates me so much that she'd do this over and over and OVER again. I told her the last time I was about to drop out of her life why I had to do it. I told her what I told you about how I feel about my mother when she (my daughter) is doing the things she does in non-contact especially right after saying something that would lead me to beleive that she's dead until I find out diffrerently.

The triggers are happening and all the stuff that needs to be sorted is in need of being sorted..
Take care of you.. love you.. first..


From The Drama of the Gifted Child.. Alice Miller..

Page 27

The damage done to us during our childhood cannot be undone, since we cannot change anything in our past. We can, however, change ourselves. We can repair ourselves and gain our lost integrity by choosing to look more closely at the knowledge that is stored inside our bodies and bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness. This path, although certainly not easy, is the only route by which we can at least leave behind the cruel, invisible prison of our childhood. We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present, who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it..

Most people do the opposite. Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history.. They continue to live in their repressed childhood situation, ignoring the fact that it no longer exists. They are continuing to fear and avoid dangers that, although once real, have not been real for a long time. They are driven by unconscious memories and by repressed feelings and needs that, in a perverse manner, determine nearly everything they do or fail to do..



Jackie