I'm not closing the door forever but I have to do it right now. If someday she wanted to try contacting me again and I felt she was not going to screw around with my emotions again, I might consider regaining contact but right now I wouldn't get any response anyway if I tried to write again. She hasn't responded to anything I've sent since the first part of April. Nothing.
She's done this so many times I can't even count in the 11 years we've known each other. I just kept thinking, "Ok, I'll just deal with it. I'll let her have time to do whatever she wants and we'll just talk when she gets to me."
I really tried to be ok with that. But she'll go sometimes months without any contact and things said in her last contact that make me freak out thinking she might be dead. I mentioned some of those things in another thread.
If I weren't taking care of my mother I might be able to tollerate it because I wouldn't have my mom here reminding me WHY I was forsed to give my daughter up in the first place. KWIM?
I'm almost 50 and I can't get past the feelings of anger and resentment for everything that happened due to the adoption. I blame my mother for not standing up for me and helping me keep my daughter.
I told my mom many times during my pregnancy with my daughter that I wanted to keep her but she would never help me find a way. She went along with everyone and didn't give a crap about how I felt about giving MY child up while she's there with my brother who is only 5 weeks older than my daughter is.
She forsed me to babysit so SHE could go places right after I gave my daughter away. It hurt so bad I can't even TELL you how bad. It's like she didn't care what I was going through.
She never protected me in my lifetime. She let her friends beat on me, my dad beat on me and molest and rape me. She let so much happen to me in my lifetime until I left home that I have a LOT of emotional problems because of it.
Now I'm taking care of her because she's unable to take care of herself anymore and when my daughter is doing what she's doing now all I want to do is scream at my mom or not take care of her and just let her die. I wouldn't do that. I love my mom in spite of the stuff but I still resent her. But I still feel those feelings and I can't do that. I dont' know if that makes any sense.
Obviously there are a lot of other "issues" I resent my mom for but the only one that really gets me wanting to scream at my mom is my daughter's actions. She wouldn't be doing that if she hadn't been adopted by those unfit people. I would have raised her to be a good person like my other kids turned out to be.
Not one single child I raised turned out to be the kind of person my daughter did so I blame her upbringing on that. She wouldn't have turned out like she did If I'd kept her and I wouldn't be dealing with some psycho woman with a control problem telling MY daughter she can't contact me if she wants to be kept in her will.
I just wish I knew why she hates me so much that she'd do this over and over and OVER again. I told her the last time I was about to drop out of her life why I had to do it. I told her what I told you about how I feel about my mother when she (my daughter) is doing the things she does in non-contact especially right after saying something that would lead me to beleive that she's dead until I find out diffrerently.
She said she understood and she wanted me in her life and she'd keep contact with me once a week even just to say hi, I'm fine, don't have time to talk right now. She won't even do that. I just don't understand.
Rylee