I am so upset with myself right now. I feel like an alcoholic craving that next bottle of booze trying to resist the temptation of taking that drink.
It's taking everything in me NOT to try to contact my daughter again. I know even if I did she'd ignore me like she's been doing and without any other reason than she just doesn't want to bother with me and doesn't care how I feel. Very common occurance for the last 11 years.
I made the decision not to have contact with her because I don't want the pain it causes and the resentment towards my mother that I feel, when my daughter doesn't respond or when she says things that hurt my feelings or whatever else she can do to make me feel like crap. I know it's the best thing for me to do this. I know that I am going to get through it but I keep feeling the desperation to give it another TRY. To tell her I'm sorry for telling her I didn't want to have contact anymore.
I know it will only cause me pain. I don't know what to do right now. As I said, I feel like an alcoholic trying to quit drinking only I'm trying to "quit my daughter".
I'm doing things I don't remember doing. Ending up in places I don't remember even heading. I'm finding things done that I KNOW I didn't do but no one else in the house did either. I'm talking about housework or things put away that no one else has touched but they are done.
It's like I'm going around in a daze with my head up my behind. I am so upset about the way I'm feeling that I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
Rylee