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Originally Posted by tldowen
The other day she told some kids at school that she was adopted. Which was just fine. But then, she wanted to take her birthmom picture to school. I just didn't feel right about that. I tried to explain that that was something special and personal and that not everyone in the family had even seen it. Out of respect for her birthmom, I just didn't think that was the thing to do. She did live in our area at one time
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I disagree. What triggered her to discuss this at school and want to prove to her friends that she indeed did have a picture of her mother? Think like a child here. They may have been discussing families, or the dreaded "family tree" assignment - but for whatever reason, she felt she needed to show her peers that she, too, had a picture of the woman who brought her to life. The fact that she quit making a fuss may only mean that she internalized this struggle to understand, because she knew she couldn't change your mind. That does not mean the issue has gone away forever, only that it may surface in another way.
Why didn't you make a copy of the picture at Walgreens' for 39 cents and let her carry it with her? Why is it so personal that not even everyone in the family has seen it? And why the great concern that someone might recognize her birthmom? No one signed any legal document promising her total anonymity - you bring a child into this world, you do have some basic responsibilities.
The fact is, when it comes to visual images, she wanted a picture of someone she looks like and/or will look like. My suggestion is while the trail is only 6 years old, and you have information about birthmother, you have the agency contact her and update family medical history.
Sorry to sound harsh, but I've dealt with the effects of closed adoption for 58 years and I just don't have the patience to soothe anyone's feelings any more except the adoptees'. Birthmoms and adoptive parents need to just do what's right for their child and get over their fears or blind spots.