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Amollie, I don't think you should feel guilty. And you are definitely not heartless. It isn't like you were out there pushing a search! You registered and went on with your life. Clearly your bmom was doing some searching to have found you thru ALMA.
You already have a family a job and a life. You accepted her and told her what she needed to know. "You are well and happy and she did good by you in placing you for adoption." And you know she is well and has a caring husband. As you said, the bad parts of her life aren't your fault and you can't fix them.
I think your boundaries were very clear and reasonable. If I were you I would forward her husband's e-mail to your bmom and remind her of the personal boundaries you have set up to protect you, your a-family and your child. Then it is up to her. If she respects them you will have a relationship. If she doesn't, you won't.
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