Quote:
|
So….any thoughts. Am I being a heartless *****, or am I being manipulated and made to feel guilty when I shouldn’t?
|
Ann,
I don't see either of the two happening. What I see is that perhaps you didn't quite think through what all was involved in a reunion. On the other side, is a husband who is seeing his wife in pain and probably has no idea what to do.
I am an adoptee. I also help other adoptees search for birth parents. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but if an adoptee who was not having significant med. problems, told me that all they wanted was med info and to see their birth parent one time, I don't think I'd be able to help them. I am NOT saying that they shouldn't be able to search and find, it's just that I don't think I'd personally feel right morally/ethically if I helped. Reunion is a hard thing. It turns our lives upside down and inside out and any other which way. I personally don't think it's fair to turn a person's life upside down just for curiosity sake.
You're going to have to set clearer boundaries. Each of you need to decide how you want to be defined in the relationship. If you don't want her to introduce you as her daughter, you need to figure out how you do want to be introduced and tell her that. I will say though, that from many posts I've read, many adoptees get offended if their birth families do not introduce them as family. As for your birth mom calling your son her grandson, I can't think of a very good alternative way to introduce him. I definately think that your birth mom should NOT be showing up on your door.
I might get flamed for this, but I think that since you put yourself "out there", as wanting a reunion, you should probably try to work it out w/ her-Unless she is causing obvious harm to you or your family. Perhaps you both can compromise on how often communication occurs. From what I read, it doesn't seem like she is trying to take your mom's place, but is just searching for some "type" of relationship w/ you.
Maybe just try to look at it from her viewpoint. What if she was searching for you, you made accomodations to allow her into your life and she then decided to walk away?
Seriously, I don't mean to sound harsh. I know how difficult this is. I just think more understanding may be in order.
Jen