[Jennasmom1990]

Ok, I am going to try really hard to keep this as short as possible, but with the circumstances I can't promise anything.

I gave my daughter up for adoption in 1990, I had just turned 18 and was forcefully pushed into the choice I made. There were 4 people doing the pushing, my mom, the a mom, the adad, and their attorney. In the end though that is my signature on those papers, so I have spent the last 18 years of my life carrying a guilt and grief that I thought would literally strangle me at times. I have never been one to back down from something and still have no valid (or what I consider valid) reason for not standing up for myself and my daughter at that time. Anyway, to make a long story short instead of dealing with the pain, yearning, and deep seeded wanting, I placed it in Pandora's Box and firmly sealed the lid. My daughter has always been my Achellie's heel, and I am guessing she always will be.

On Easter Sunday this year she made that reunion call that would forever change my life. Now let me say this, when that call was made she was not yet 18, and actually she still isn't. She won't be 18 until May 1st, I can tell you that her amom & adad have since divorced and in my opinion neither one of them really seem to be there for her. Her life story is a totally seperate thread ( and I am not kidding, this would be a book if I went into all that in this thread). To make a long story short about the acouple they have no relationship between the two of them at all, they have both re-married and are completely wrapped up in thier new lives. But I must say this much, the amom did at least give my daughter the info to find me. Anyway, I got the call at exactly 1:47 PM Easter Sunday, and it knocked me off my feet. I don't think I will ever forget that Easter Sunday of 2008 was on March 23 and that my whole life flipped upside down at 1:47 PM on that that very day.

The amom made the call, but my daughter got on the phone almost right away. I was almost hysterical to hear her voice, and was so overwhelmed by emotions that of course I was crying. (But I am a cryer by nature anyway). My first question was tell me about yourself...she told me that she loves horses. That stunned me b/c I have a 15 year old daughter that I am raising that also loves horses. I will never forget that part of the convo, when she told me that I knew it was not a case of mistaken identity. So, we talked for a few minutes, and then I had to leave to go to Easter dinner. I asked her if I could call her later that night when things settled down a bit, she asked for my e-mail address so she could send me some pics right away. I was stunned to find out that she is literally a carbon copy of me.

Things to know...my daughter told me almost from day she wants a mother/daughter relationship with me (that she always has), she has called me Mom (on her own accord) since day one, the amom hates that she calls me Mom (amom doesn't feel like I have earned it and that I will never earn it), and my daughter keeps in very close communication with me. She calls several times a day, if she is not calling she is texting, or im-ing. I make sure that the majority of the talking we do is done while my other children are at school. I dont want any resentment from them. Also my daughter has really embraced the idea of having a half-sister, and 2 half-brothers. My boys are totally open to this she calls every night to tell them good-night, and they love talking to her. My other daughter is a bit more reserved but this affects her in a different way. I will not lie and say that she doesn't feel a bit threatened b/c she does. However all things considered she is doing very well accepting this new person into our family as her sister and as my daughter. All of this has been more than I would hve ever allowed myself to dream of. They are 15 (almost 16), 11, and 8...and to be honest I have been a stay-at-mom with them since they were born.

Things have been progressing very well between the two of us. I went to see her on April 14 for the first time and spent an amazing 2 and 1/2 days with her. I couldn't stay longer b/c I have since had 3 other children that are still somewhat young. I have never left them for more than just a 1 overnight. So for them this was huge as I was gone a total of 5 days. Oh, I forgot to tell you that my daughter still lives in Maryland which is where I was when I had her, in 2005 we moved to Illinois which is my home state. So there is 840 miles between my daughter and I.


The visit was wonderful, my dad went with me so that I would have some support (which I really needed). Things between my daughter and I went beautiful ( couldn't have dreamed for it to be any better), I introduced her to some of my family and friends that still live in Maryland and things went fantastic with them as well. I wish I could say the same about how things went with the amom. She is extremely threatened by me, despite the fact that I have had hours of convo with her to attempt to reassure her that I do not want to be in leui of her, but in addition to her. Anyway, the amom just wants me to go away (pretty much her exact words), she referred to me as being only the baby maker, and told me that I could never be the mother to J that she is. I just took the emotional beating and didn't really say anything. I again made that sacafrice for my daughter and only for my daughter. I do not want her to get caught in the cross fire, nor do I want her to be forced to chose between us. In my opinion my daughter can have the best of both worlds, if the amom would just take a step back and let this even out.

So, I am now sitting here wondering if I owe anything at all to the amom, although my daughter does not want us to have any type of relationship with eachother. Still, though she is a child, is she really capable of making that choice? Also, I know that the amom has been very reserved with my daughter since our visit and her little blow up, and that is hard for me to hear from her when I am almost 840 miles apart. I have since made a very conscous choice to not ask about how things are going with her and the amom, and I am not sure that is the right thing either. I want my daughter to know that she can talk to me, but how can I listen to such garbage and not give my advice/opinion? I guess I am just looking for some help and advice, I love my daughter and am kind of at a loss as to how to be there for her without destroying my relationship with her over things I might say about her amom in the heat of the moment. Can anyone please help, I am afraid in the end that this will cause great harm to my budding relationship with my daughter.