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wow, i just found this thread and i am kind of shocked by what i am hearing.
adoption_ally....i completely agree with what you're saying. parenting adopted children has to be different from parenting bio children in many ways, but not all. why do you think there are so many books and speakers on exactly that topic?
AND even children adopted at birth as infants without any trauma, abuse, or multiple homes, can have issues with trust and abandonment. my best friend was adopted at birth by two wonderful parents and she is now a family and marraige therapist and still says to this day that being adopted has effected her life in many ways and it is important to recongnize these things when parenting ANY adopted child.
as far as discipline methods, that may not change for a child adopted as an infant. but a child adopted later in life or who has experienced abuse/neglect, or even drug exposure, i truly believe you need to LOWER your expectations and give the child time and room to grow and develop and learn to trust.
my son is a perfect example. we have had him 8 months now, he is almost two, and i most certainly can NOT parent him the same way my friends parent their kids. time-outs don't work, spanking is out of the question, and my expectations of his abilities are lowered about 6 months. after 8 months, he is just not ready to act like a 22 month old. AND he had drug exposure at birth and may never live up to age appropriate expectations. we have to accept who he is and encourage him to mature and grow, but let him do it at his own pace.
many of my friends think i am too lenient or easy on my son, but i have tried the other way and it just drove my son away from me. he has a very strong temperment and does not trust or bond easily so i have to put "good behavior" on the back burner and focus on his attachment and ability to recieve love. otherwise he will never be able to have meaningful relationships and what kind of life is that?
i don't think there is any problem in teaching kids responsibility but be sure your child is ready and do it one step at a time. you can't expect a child who had experienced trauma to come into your home and immediately act like a typical two year old.
i did read the OP's posts on another thread and the child hasn't been in this home for long. in my opinion, it's more important to back off the responsibility and allow your child to adjust to this new environment and family. maybe you are teaching your child to be well behaved but at what price?
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