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Your newly adopted daughter sounds JUST like my daughter...Definately look into attachment therapy at attachment.org and also start reading up on Parenting With Love and Logic...
Hang in there......my daughter was 3.5 when she came to us, and it took a year or more for her to start abandoning her behaviors....also Melatonin Spray (on the advice of my Pediatrician) helped with Sleeping habits...
Once the sleep was fixed, the behaviors lessened...but it took over a year for me to get to a point that I didn't cringe and panic at the sound of her voice...once I got real sincere affection from her (minimal) my feelings really started to grow...
It isn't unreasonable or illogical to not like to be around someone who is emotionally abusive and a user...in fact it's VERY hard to tolerate, let alone love someone like that. What you feel is completely normal...and you are definately NOT alone...I never met a child I didn't love immediately...until I met my daughter...she makes it hard to love her.
Be firm and consitant in your boundaries and expectations, essentially, WAIT HER OUT....out-stubborn her...she'll abandon ineffective methods and keep trying till she's successful again..make sure that she is only successful with healthy behaviors...and don't be afraid to model them, for her to mimic from you..explain everything you're doing as you do it...she'll pick it up eventually.
Oh, and for moral support and practical advice go over to the "Special Needs Parenting" boards on these forums..it'll keep you sane, and give you tools when you're in over your head some days.
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