[reapingjoy]

I feel incredibly guilty just needing to even write this, but I am really struggling & feel on the verge of tears all day long. I don't really think it is any 1 thing, but rather everything compounded together & I feel like I am drowning here.

We have 4 bio boys (19, 17, 14, & 10) and we have an adopted daughter from Guatemala (2) who we brought home when she was 5 months old. I had no problem bonding immediately with my Guate daughter & so I have been completely blindsided by my feelings this time. We brought home our soon to be adopted daughter, M, from foster care about 2 mo. ago. She is 3.5.

It's a long story how we were matched with her & I know that it was a miracle & she is supposed to be our daughter, but right now, I spend most of my time feeling annoyed with her...and that makes me feel horrible!

We were told that she was completely healthy & developmentally on target...they even "warned" us not to ask for very much as a subsidy because we would not be having extra dr. visits or therapy appts. Well, even during our visit month, with just spending a couple of hours a week with her, I could tell she had asthma. She was finally diagnosed last week & we now have to do breathing treatments 2x a day, plus she seems to be sick quite often for a 3.5 year old (which I'm sure is a result of the asthma). I also noticed an oddity in her walking/running which we have now been referred to a specialist for. So, for our "completely healthy" child, I have spent hours on the phone arranging medical appts. & was at the dr. 3x in one week (& all of it has been for "pre-existing" conditions).

She has also disclosed a few things to us about stuff that happened at her foster home which I have had to fight with CSB to get her into therapy for.

The FM was extremely rude & nasty to me & completely uncooperative about the entire transition, which made our visit month very stressful. Since then, I have had to defend myself over & over to her SW (who I strongly believe is against our adoption because we are white) about so many things while at the same time she sings the praises of her former FM (who I have been told should no longer be fostering because she is so horrible).

M really is a pretty normal 3.5 year old, but I am finding her behaviors very irritating & it's hard for me to bond with her. She talks incessantly & interrupts all the time if I'm trying to hold a conversation with anyone but her, she is very bossy with my 2 y.o. & expects her to share everything but yet if I tell her she needs to share something she immediately cries (the FM sent almost nothing with her that could be considered her own so everything they play with is our Guate daughter's except for some things that we have bought her - but we can't afford to stock a whole toybox for her at this point). She refuses to nap because she won't sleep when it is light outside or if other people are up unless she just completely passes out. She is going to bed at 10-10:30 at night & getting herself up at 7 (we have now started to make her go back to her bed & she doesn't seem to be terribly upset about it, so I hope that will help a bit because she is missing about 3-4 hours of sleep per day for her age).

I feel very smothered right now. Even my boys are starting to get irritated by her constant crying over little stuff & I often will hear "stop crying".

The things that I really expected - temper tantrums, night crying, crying a lot for the FM - none of that has happened at all. But I am having a hard time dealing with the manipulative behaviors that I'm sure she learned at the FM's house to get attention or get her way.

I feel so guilty for the way I feel about stuff, but I am overwhelmed right now with the physical & emotional issues that she came with added to the total non-support of the SW's and the normal 3 y.o. irritating behaviors that they all have. If we just would have had some preparation mentally that we were going to be dealing with a lot of illness, etc. then I don't think it would be so bad.

I'm also very tired & I miss spending time with my 2 y.o. & we are now trying to catch up with our schooling that we have fallen way behind on (I homeschool). Also added to this is that my son who has special needs has really been acting out a lot lately & I think it's just the transition (he doesn't handle transition well - good or bad). I don't know who to talk to about it because no one really understands & because I'm totally embarrassed to even feel this way.

I'm just not sure where to turn & I just really need some encouragement that we will eventually turn a corner & things will get better & I will "feel" love for her at some point.

Thanks,
Beth
DS S-19
DS J-17
DS J-14
DS E-10
AD E-2 Guate
Soon to be AD M-3