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Originally Posted by Hadley2
But, is it unreasonable to insist that he (1) acknowledge to her the harm he did, (2) apologize, (3) try to make (some kind of meaningful) amends, and (4) come up with this on his own by having the character to think about what she must need from him now, not what he wants?
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Actually what you are referring to in the above paragraph is right out of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous... (just substitute "narcotics" for "alcohol" in Step 1 of the following passage).
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
If your BIL in currently in a residential rehabilitation program, he most likely is being exposed to either AA or NA. And if he's serious about staying clean and sober, he should continue going to these meetings after he's discharged. Most AA sponsors suggest that newcomers attend a daily meeting every day for 90 days. During this time period, he should get a sponsor, start working the steps, and do what his sponsor suggests. After several months of meetings, a lot of people in recovery can cut back to several meetings a week.
Maintaining sobriety is a lot different than just simply not using drugs or alcohol. A lot of drunks and addicts can stop using their drug of choice all on their own, but many of them become what is known as "dry drunks" or addicts, meaning that much of the maladaptive and negative behavior seen during active alcoholism or addiction is still present in the individual. Working the 12 steps of the program teaches them a whole new way of life.
IMHO, your daughter's bdad probably won't be able to stay clean and sober on a long-term basis
unless he deals with the damage he's inflicted on her, as well as on other family members. But he's probably not going to be ready for this step of making amends for a while longer, at least not in a meaningful manner. Before he can acknowledge to your daughter that he harmed her and before he can make any amends to her, he is going to have to acknowledge to himself exactly what it was he did...and that is what may take some time. (That's one of the reasons it's so important for people who join 12-step programs to get a sponsor ~ the sponsor kind of gauges how far to push someone in working these steps.)
I hope this makes some sense to you. I don't think that I've done a very good job here of explaining what I'm trying to say. I do agree with you that your BIL needs to take responsibility for the damage he's inflicted in the past, especially if there is going to be any degree of openness in the relationship. I would also go with your "gut" feeling about not leaving him alone with her. Those type of instincts are really important and shouldn't be ignored, IMO. Good luck, and I'll keep you in my prayers.