[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee45

I'm not going to keep going to those game sites. I hate that because I play games online sometimes so I can relax and not think about anything but the game. It's been my escape. Now I have to quit going to the ones I like so much so I don't run into her anymore.

Distracting myself from my feelings was a way of life.. now it is not.. Now I can cry and rage and put up boundaries..
We all can learn how to do this.. And I personally believe it is about cracking through what we have put into ourselves (what was put into us) and looking at all of it with our now adult eyes..

An inside job..

I just can't take this anymore. I love her but I just can't do this anymore. I feel horrible about it but it's a decision I have to stay with and someday I hope things change but she is such a selfish, self centered person who doesn't care about anyone but herself that I doubt she'll ever see what she's doing or ever care how I feel or how the rest of our family feels.

And you can not force her to change.. All you can do is protect yourself.. And you get to decide how to do said protection..

I keep thinking (although I know it's just anger and sadness of what's going on now) that maybe I should have done what the agency told me to do and go home and "move on" and "forget" about her so I could live a better life.

Easier said than done..

If I hadn't been so angry and frustrated and feeling so much betrayal and everything else, I might have been a better person. A better mother (even though I was ok at being a mother). Maybe might have made something of myself and not be in the rut that I'm in now.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.. and you get to have a life..

I never did anything with my life. I've been too angry about everything that's happened and not been able to forgive and forget and I've done a LOT of stupid things.

I was a drunk, drug addict (smoked a lot of pot), angry and lashing out at everything that didn't go my way. I have never been able to hold a job and now I've got finantial problems because I can't hold onto a job long enough to make a difference.

Yesterday is gone.. You can not do a single thing about it.. but you can do something about today.. right now..

Did you go to any program or did you get therapy when you stopped using drugs etc?

A dry drunk is someone that is white knuckling it.. is just stopped without finding the reason behind why he or she used drugs etc in the first place..
Twelve step program has a person do an inventory of themselves.. and IMO the result of this is the forgiving of the self and others that have hurt them.. or learning how to do this.. This in order that the person does not need a drug etc in order to get through the day..
Taking a pass does not help the person..and I can remember someone sharing at an NA meeting that when they take a pass on a problem and use a drug.. the problem is still there plus the problems from the results of using..

I hate what my life has been. I just hope someday I can stop being so angry and so depressed about living. I hate it.

I think some of us need to turn around and grieve what we have not grieved.. grieve the terrible times in our childhood.. like what has happened to you.. Grief has a end.. Grief has a way of finding its way into acceptance.. and then calm..

I just wanted to let you know what I've done. I wish I hadn't have had to but I think it's the only way to save MY sanity. Let go of her and pray for the best.

And take care of you.. I pray for the best for you..

Jackie