[Hadley2]

Hi all, sorry this is long.

FD has been with us almost three years. TPR was over a year ago and we are still hashing out the adoption details, but are close to getting that filed.

She has not seen either first parent in two years. Phone calls stopped about 18 months ago. They still send notes, and first father sent items (including a framed photo of himself) to her through my MIL (he is my BIL). When that happened, we made it clear that any contact must be direct to us, not proxies. He has respected that so far.

First mother seems to be fading away and is far out of state. First father recently moved into a long-term res. rehab within driving distance. He immediately wanted visitation, but ss said no (as would have I, if it had been up to me). Both still send occasional notes and I now send them a one-page quarterly update with photo and a CD of photos at the holidays.

When he was asking about calling or visits, I said that when it is our call, it will be a call based on fd's needs, not his wants, and that he will have to have shown us that he is ready...but I refused to say what that would look like, just that he ought to know what he needs to do when he has enough recovery.

Here's the thing: I feel fairly strongly that, even though fd says she has no conscious memory of most of the evil that went on, the impact on her has been enormous. I, the sw, and fd's former therapist are also fairly well convinced that there was more to the abuse than CPS brought to court. I would never, ever, leave this man alone with her or any other child. At 8, she is beginning to realize just how many issues she has that most other kids just don't have to deal with.

She has been as well educated as possible for her age by us and her therapist on addictions and mental illness and how they warp people's actions. And, everyone says children need contact from their first parents; affirmation of some kind of love from them (which he can give her); acceptance, if possible of their new position in a new family; negation of the mystery and phantom family--that sense of the reality of who and what they are--etc. I agree with all that.

But, is it unreasonable to insist that he (1) acknowledge to her the harm he did, (2) apologize, (3) try to make (some kind of meaningful) amends, and (4) come up with this on his own by having the character to think about what she must need from him now, not what he wants?

All his notes and letters are light-hearted, superficial chit-chats about the weather, old pets, etc. He TOTALLY ignores everything she has been through. NOTHING that acknowledges that anything has ever been out of the ordinary or happened. With us, he has never actually even asked about her physical, mental, or emotional well being. For the first time recently, I told him a little about some of her learning issues. He didn't respond to that at all, just focused back in on when could calls or visits start up again.

So is it asking too much to wait for him to come around and show some sign of being ready to deal with what he has done in his relationship with her? This family has a long pattern of ignoring the elephant in the room and just staying on a cheery, superficial level (until things blow apart, but then they go right back to status quo asap). I don't want that to repeat another generation. I don't know if he'll ever have that awareness, but I feel as if if I tell him what he needs to do, it won't really be him doing it, kwim? Or am I just rationalizing not re-opening the relationship?