Well, I finally did it. I've made a definite decision and I'm hoping that I can hold to it.
I'm breaking all links to my daughter. It hurts so bad but I gave her every opportunity to contact me and let me know one way or the other about she and I.
I'm going to be contacting her adoptive dad and taking her things to him instead of having her husband coming to my house to get the things. I just feel it's best my whereabouts stay unknown.
I wrote several emails, several IM's trying to get her attention and telling her what I was going to do and get her feelings about it.
The last thing she said to me several weeks ago is that she'd found her birth father. Or thought she had anyway. He skipped out on her after their initial contact when I first met her 11 years ago. He showed up at the airport to meet her too. After he got to know her for a few days, he changed his phone number. Moved where she couldnt' find him and has not had any contact since. Then she tells me she thinks she's found him and since then I've had no further contact from her whatsoever after that statement in an IM we were having on her birthday.
I know she's online because I've seen her on the game sites that I was going to before she ever knew about them. I told her about the free game sites and she wanted to try them out. Now she's "buddy buddy" with everyone there EXCEPT me.
I'm not going to keep going to those game sites. I hate that because I play games online sometimes so I can relax and not think about anything but the game. It's been my escape. Now I have to quit going to the ones I like so much so I don't run into her anymore.
Nothing I can do to get her to respond. I know she is online and ignoring me. It hurts SO bad I can't even express it.
As I've said before she's a mind game player. She wants to hurt me. She knows how much I wanted her to keep contact with me on a regular basis but she doesn't give a rats butt about how I feel.
When I had planned to say goodbye for good the last time and told you all about that, I took some advice and stayed in contact after she promised to chat with me once a week.
Now that she's doing this again and ignoring every attempt I've made to contact her I just can't deal with it. Even when I wrote to tell her that my mother was in the hospital a few weeks ago she didn't write to ask how she was doing or even acknowledge that she'd gotten the message about my mother.
I just can't take this anymore. I love her but I just can't do this anymore. I feel horrible about it but it's a decision I have to stay with and someday I hope things change but she is such a selfish, self centered person who doesn't care about anyone but herself that I doubt she'll ever see what she's doing or ever care how I feel or how the rest of our family feels.
I've been as patient as I can be with her. I've taken a LOT of crap from her and her adoptive family and her husband. I've done more for her than anyone gives me credit for and I've been there for her no matter what since we met.
I can't do that anymore.
I just can't.
I keep thinking (although I know it's just anger and sadness of what's going on now) that maybe I should have done what the agency told me to do and go home and "move on" and "forget" about her so I could live a better life.
If I hadn't been so angry and frustrated and feeling so much betrayal and everything else, I might have been a better person. A better mother (even though I was ok at being a mother). Maybe might have made something of myself and not be in the rut that I'm in now.
I never did anything with my life. I've been too angry about everything that's happened and not been able to forgive and forget and I've done a LOT of stupid things.
I was a drunk, drug addict (smoked a lot of pot), angry and lashing out at everything that didn't go my way. I have never been able to hold a job and now I've got finantial problems because I can't hold onto a job long enough to make a difference.
I hate what my life has been. I just hope someday I can stop being so angry and so depressed about living. I hate it.
I just wanted to let you know what I've done. I wish I hadn't have had to but I think it's the only way to save MY sanity. Let go of her and pray for the best.
Rylee