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It is suspected that my bdad committed suicide when he was 21. He was found dead in his mom's car which was parked in the garage. I've heard from his best friend that my dad would never kill himself. He was very drunk that night, and it is believed by some that he passed out with the car running. I think there is a little more to the story, but my bmom didn't divulge any information and I haven't asked again. I think it is still very painful for her.
For me, I always had a feeling he was dead. Don't know why, but growing up I just felt that way. But having it confirmed, and the suspicion that he killed himself was really hard on me. I had a couple rough months after finding my mom and learning about my dad. I went to a few sessions of counseling and that helped. I went to his grave, screamed, cursed and cried and put down some flowers. That helped too.
It's hard. It was like I was kicked in the stomach! My dad is buried in the same cemetery where my afamily is buried. I drive by there often on my running around on errands. Sometime my eyes just well up with tears. I was very angry at him at first, but now I am just sad that I never got to meet him.
Don't know if any of this helped, but thought I'd share that there is someone out there that knows how you are feeling! Hang in there!
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