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Dear Ali,
This is my first time posting. I am a 54 year old adoptee who recently found out the identities of my birth parents (both died many years ago). I have two half-siblings with whom I am trying to gain acceptance.
I would like to present a different perspective.
I understand many of your feelings of frustration and anger, but I fear that when you vent to your birthmom, it probably appears to her that you are attacking or criticizing her. The natural response to criticism for most people is defensiveness. She most likely cannot deal with your emotions so she backs off.
I think it was wonderful of her to ask to meet with you and a third party. She is obviously afraid of your anger and possible confrontational approach. I think you should respond to her in a new letter, saying that you really do love her and would like to work things out. Then be very sweet, loving, and forgiving when you do meet. I don't know what has gone on in previous years, but you need to put it all behind you if you want a relationship with your mom. It depends on what you want and how much you are willing for forgive/overlook.
I understand your feelings of hurt and rejection because I have been there myself. Although it's healthy for your soul to release your feelings through writing, I don't think it's a good idea to send such a letter to your mom. I always try to think of the expression that we catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Appreciate the fact that your mom is still alive and actually is agreeable to communication. Try to love and understand her, and maybe she'll be more responsive. She surely needs to feel the acceptance from you as well. Maybe she just isn't ready at this point; just let her know that you will always be available if/when she needs you. Good luck.
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