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Originally Posted by Mothertoo3
Yes, this is the difference between J and I. She has had 37+ years to work through her emotional recovery. I do understand that possibly she felt she may never be reunited with me again, she explained this to me at one point in the beginning, however she firmly believed we would meet together again in Heaven. I do not feel that suppressing your emotions and leaving others out of your journey is healthy for anyone. It leads to many doubts and assumptions.
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Ali, I can see how you would think that since your birthmother has "had 37+ years to work through her emotional recovery," then why hasn't she? What I think you may be missing here is that she most likely was not in much of a position to start healing back in those years. How could she have been? Those of us who relinquished back in those days (my son is one year younger than you) were not usually offered any type of counseling whatsoever. It's still difficult in today's world to find a therapist or counselor who has any idea at all on how to deal with birthmom issues.
As unwed mothers in a judgmental and punishing society, we were told to give our babies to two-parent families, otherwise they'd be taunted with hurtful names out on the playground. We were told that if we really, truly loved our babies, we'd surrender them to adoption. As soon as the relinquishment papers were signed, most of us were told to forget our children, to get on with our lives, to never talk about them. If we did talk about missing them, we were told we were selfish...that something was wrong with us if we couldn't forget them.
We were expected to bury our feelings, to deny our emotions and grief. I was actually told that there was something wrong with me for still feeling any love at all for my son...that there was something dreadfully wrong with me for not being able to forget him. If I dared to bring up the subject, I was told by some people that "I had made my bed, now I had to lie in it". So I basically was condemned if I
did try to work thru my own grief and condemned if I
didn't.
One suggestion I have for you is to read
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. If it's not available at your public library, you can pick it up for a few bucks at Amazon. The author does a fantastic job at describing what many birthmothers experienced during the "closed era" of adoptions. She explains a lot of what happened in terms of how society dealt with unwed mothers back then. The historical aspect is fascinating, at least it was for me. It was a different time, to be sure. I think the book might open your eyes a bit as to what inner demons your bmom is carrying inside her.