[Nicole28]

Nick -

I'm sorry that you had a difficult experience.

From what I understand, the majority of children adopted domestically and internationally are very, very young when they are adopted - infants or toddlers - so, in a sense, they are too young to comprehend what is happening to them. How old were you when you were relinquished for adoption? I am assuming that you were elementary age or a little older, since you have such vivid memories of the experience and seemed to have an understanding of what was happening [to some degree]. That being said, the initial trauma of separation from a biological mother is very different in an infant or toddler, especially if the child is relinquished when they are just days old. Of course, in the event that a child does spend a significant time with their biological mother, the separation is, as you experienced, confusing and traumatizing. My bio-mother planned on relinquishing me for adoption long before I was born, so she gave birth, signed a release of parental rights the next day, and on the third day I was released into the custody of a private adoption agency. As a three-day old baby, I clearly had no idea what was happening, and my bio-mother made no attempt to bond with me, so I didn't experience any kind of trauma as a result of the separation.

What I'm trying to convey is that you're correct that the separation between a child and their biological mother is very disrupting and has many negative and emotionally devastating effects. I'd imagine that in certain situations where a child is removed from the home and put into the foster care system that they experience much of what you did. However, in a lot of cases [most cases, I'd say] an adopted child is quite young when they are placed with their adoptive families.

I would agree and say that your biological mother did do what she thought was in your best interest when she relinquished you for adoption. Since you were so young, I imagine that there were a lot of grown-up, complicated circumstances that led to your adoption [you mentioned divorce]. I do not like to say that I was "given up" when referring to my adoption - that, to me, implies something really negative, you know? That's why I generally say "relinquished," since it carries less of a negative connotation than "gave up." I do not think that your biological mother "gave you up" - I think that she did what she thought was best...but I think that she did that out of love, and perhaps desperation, depending on her circumstances. Do I think that she regrets that? Perhaps. Do I think that she still thinks about you, loves you, wonders where you are and how you're doing? I do.

In regards to your adoptive parents, I would say that their expectations may have been unrealistic, but that may just be your perception. Depending on when you were adopted, they may have been told unrealistic or ridiculous things by an agency or social worker, you know? Maybe something like "Oh yes, this child is so looking forward to meeting their new family," in an effort to excite and encourage them. Honestly, as parent adopting an older child from a foreign land, I'd probably expect that the child would be confused and scared and experiencing emotional issues in regards to their separation from biological family, but depending on when you were adopted, the people handling your case may not have prepared your adoptive family for those kinds of situations, you know? The 70's & 80's were a very different time for adoption - it was SUCH a different experience then.

I don't think that your story will "crush" anyone's idea of adoption. As far as adoption not being like "what we see on TV," I rarely see adoption portrayed on TV - especially on sitcoms. If I do see it, it's some kind of documentary or a segment on a talk show, and I have seen barely any coverage of domestic adoption. I do agree, though, that people "on the outside" of the adoption triad probably have unrealistic ideas of what adoption is like.

Nowadays there is so much preparation that goes into adoption. Parents who adopt internationally are aware of and respectful of their child's culture, and it is embraced at home, which I think is wonderful. Parents who adopt internationally go through intense and lengthy screening processes - for proof of the frustration these people feel while waiting to bring home their children, go visit that Guat Adoption forum & read those posts! Those people want their children more than anything else - and their persistence is admirable.

In my own situation, I have known that I was adopted for as long as I can remember, but my fifth birthday is my first "real" memory of knowing that I was adopted. I have always known and my parents have made sure to fulfill me emotionally so that I know that I was wanted and that I am special to them. I, like you, am searching, but our searches are obviously a little different.

Do you have a relationship with your adoptive parents? If you were to locate your biological mother, would you return to wherever she is living and attempt to forge a mother-child relationship with her? How is your search progressing?

I hope that you heal & find peace.

Nicole