[loveajax]

I have kind of a "unique" (? maybe) perspective. I am married to an adoptee from the closed era and am an a mom in an OA with DD's birth family.

To give you some background on DH, he and his two sibs (also adopted) are extremely close to their parents. Their parents have always encouraged their kids to search. SIL did and had a good reunion with her birth mom (her birth mom sadly died shortly thereafter). DH recently contacted his birth mom, and has not heard anything back (unfortunately). My BIL says that he views his birth mom as a "vessel" (his words, not mine) and truly has no interest in finding/learning anything about his birth family.

All three of them say that they think closed adoption was better for them and that they would have been confused by OA. They are three extremely smart, compassionate and happy people, so who am I to question what they think was "best" for them.

We are in an OA and while it has its struggles, I defintely see the benefits. I am hoping someday, DD will say she thinks OA was "best" for her...but who knows? I think it is great that she will always be able to know how much she is loved, to have questions answered, etc. I also think it is great that she will have the opportunity to have whatever kind of relationship she wants to have with them (and I'm sure this will be ever-changing). Do I think this works well in every situation? No. I'm even having some pretty major "pangs" of my own right now dealing with some "secrecy" issues on birth parents' part.

I don't think I am a "better" mom because we are in an OA. In fact, sometimes it stresses me out and I feel like a worse mom because of it.

I read something that the "happiest" adoptees are the ones who are in totally closed or really open adoptions. I worry that ours is somewhat "in the middle." To tell you the truth, OA right now has little practical consequences in our lives ....I wonder what the future will be like when DD is older. I am hoping it is "normal" to her and a positive experience.

I will be honest...probably the posts on a.com that affect me the most are the ones where adoptees say that they are happy with their lives, their closed adoptions, whatever, and get "shot down" or told somehow they are in denial. I would hate like heck for DD's experience (whatever it is for her, good and/or bad) to be minimized. DH doesn't post here, but when he reads some things, he gets agita (sp?)!

Great questions, Crick!

ETA: I hadn't seen Oceans' or HBV's posts...which are very helpful. I think what you think about OA is really dependent on your own personal experiences (wow...what a big revelation!). But anyway, so much about "OA" is gobbleygook talk in my mind, and when I read HBV's recent post about her day at the park, I thought "yeah, that's an OA that is working well." It was nice to have a visual!