[HBV]

1. Is OA truly better for a child? I don't know for sure yet, and I probably WON'T know for sure for a long time. I know it wasn't what we thought we wanted going in, but it's worked out for us so far. Here's what I think is good about it---it's honest, there's no mystery or fantasy for the child, families have access to genetic and medical information, and, hopefully, the child grows up w/ an understanding that he or she is loved by many people. I would never say it was "best". Clearly, there are circumstances where it wouldn't be best. Parents (birth and adoptive) who put their own needs above those of the child aren't going to be good candidates for this.


2. Is Closed truly harmful for a child? Most of the time, my guess would be no. My very lovely and capable assistant is an adoptee from the closed era and has no desire to find her birthmother. I have 2 other friends whose children are seeking reunion with birthparents now. Everyone's got some kind of family issues to deal with, whether they were adopted or not. I think the only time closed would be harmful is where the child is lied to or misled about the fact that they're adopted. Any relationship predicated on lies can't be that great of an idea.

3. Are parents involved in an OA more "worthy" or viewed as the only ones having their children's best interests at heart better than those who are not in an OA? (applies to both aparents & bparents) No way. Not in my mind. I didn't sign up for this because I wanted someone to think I was a saint. And I don't think worse of my aparent friends that have closed adoptions. I think this relationship is like your marriage---the way it works is really only relevant to your family. You can't extrapolate from your success (or failure) that someone else's relationship would benefit or suffer from doing things the same way you do.
4. Do we push more for OA and if so...what are the main reasons we do so? I honestly don't know about "pushing" it---I think it is good, overall, to encourage it as an option, to learn more about it, to monitor the relationships that are open now as the children age and the families change. But do I think we ought to tell people that it's the "best" one size fits all solution? No. To do that would encourage division in a community that, for self preservation, ought to be more united in its interests.

The way I look at it is this: Everyone, touched by adoption or not, is presented with gifts and skills as well as burdens and challenges over the course of their lifetime. It's up to us what we do with those. For some, an open relationship may be a gift, but for others, it may be a burden that's best put down. I think that the biggest issue I see w/ OA is when only one side of the triad's really interested in it. It can't work without full participation, and I think it's hard to get that sometimes.