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Hi, I am new to this forum but after reading your post, I felt compelled to reply.
I am an adult adoptee who has been in touch with my birth sister but has not yet made contact with my birth mom. My birth sister registered on an adoption registry a number of years ago as searching for me and back in November I came across the site and we made contact. My birth mother has no idea that we have been in touch and she has no idea that my birth sister even registered as searching for me. I am ecstatic to be in touch with my birth sister but I do think it's time that I try and make contact with my birth mom. My birth sister is afraid to let my birth mother know about searching on the registry because she thinks her mother will feel betrayed. I however can see know alternative as all three of us have different last names and it would be very hard to explain how it is I found my birth sister before my birth mom. I have told my birth sister that I would like to write a handwritten letter to my birth mom and make contact with her. Because this has been going on since November, I have been living on an emotional roller coaster and I need to move forward. I know too much to turn back now and so I have started to write the letter. I have advised my birth sister that maybe for now we do not have to tell my birth mom about how I found them and just worry about the now stuff and make contact. From there we can decide about how to tell her I found them. My birth sister says that her mother is also very touchy about the subject of me and has a lot of guilt about the time in her life when she gave me up. Whenever my birth sister has tried to talk to her about it, my birth mom says it is very personal and does not want my birth sister involved. The letter I am writing explains that I do not want anything but to let my birth mom know that I'm okay, that I've had a good life, that I am thankful to her and that she will always be very special to me. I would like contact with her if she is so inclined but if she is not then that is okay too. At least then I can have some closure on the situation and I can move forward with no regrets.
So that is what I am doing. I'm not sure how my birth sister is with all of this especially since she does not want me to mention the registry. But like I said, I can see no alternative and I don't want to start off our reunion with lies. I feel like we are all adults and we need to be honest with one another. Hopefully my birth mom will be able to move past the how of our situation and will want to get to know me and my family. Regardless of how this all turns out, I do want to get to know my birth sister better but I don't think we can do this until we deal with my birth mom.
I hope this gives you some insight into an adoptees side of things. My advice to you would be to make these decisions with no regrets. Probably easier said than done, but that is what I have done and now I feel like I have more control of the situation and my emotions are not all over the place. I'll let you know how things turn out if you're interested. Good luck! I know what you're going through...
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