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Testify!
I can relate to the "lost in time" syndrome.
I start sentences and forget what I am talking about in mid-sentence. I have to just say "Nevermind!" and move on, cause that thought is GONE!
I believe that the trauma I suffered and repressed as a birthmom set me down a path that left me reeling and stumbling incoherently through life. I feel like I'm a boxer who is punch drunk, but everyone on the sidelines is still yelling "Get up! Get going! There's nothing wrong with you! Get up!!!" So I get up and keep stumbling incoherently through life. I often wonder when it will all catch up with me. I feel like one day I'm just going to have to deal with all of this because it is no longer repressable. But, for now, I continue to stumble around in life and force myself to keep on getting up to go another round and wonder "how long will I have to do this?" All the while, I lead a pretty successful life with a wonderful family, job, active in the church and my community, YET I feel like I am a failure in every area of my life. When I look at the "good" I do and have, it seems like it's all a lie that everyone will see thru one day. I feel like I am just acting and one day everyone will find out I'm an imposter. It feels like my whole world is just a house of cards that appears to be stable on the outside but can blow over and collapse if the slightest wind comes along. I'm absolutely terrified of the wind.
Also, there's some part of me who will always be the terrified 14-year-old I was when I surrendered. I dream of the day I will see "my baby" again, but he will be a grown man if I ever meet him on this side of eternity. Since I haven't had reunion, I don't know what will happen if I do meet him. Will I make unreasonable requests of him based on what "should" have been? Or based on the baby vs. the man? Probably will. It's hard to get all this straight in your mind, you know? I won't mean to, but there is part of me deep down inside that wanted things to go so differently. Trauma causes you to see a skewed version of reality or deal with it in ways that are less painful. It's just too much pain to accept the fact that your very flesh and blood is gone from your life and you have no way to recapture what is lost. On top of that, I am scorned for having surrendered by everyone in the triad. My son doesn't need or want me in his life - at least thats what the state of TN told me - and his parents say I "invaded their privacy" when I requested contact. For crying out loud, what's wrong with ME? Why am I scorned and shut out forever? I know there are some who say that was MY choice and that's what I get and I signed the papers saying I had no further rights so I got what I wanted, right? Well, I don't want it anymore! (See that's the 14 year old coming out in me!) I guess it's too late to change anything now, I just have to lie in the bed I made.
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