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My friend their is no magic wond to wave to make your pain go away. And as far as your anger towards your birth mother, you are more than entitled. But just like nobody who has walked in your shoes can fully understand your pain, be carefull on judging your birthmother.
I was adopted into an interracial setting with two other non biologically related siblings. My childhood was pure misery. Even though my adoptive mother practically put a silver spoon in our mouths from birth, we all failed miserably. I ended up with some many problems its a wonder I am still around. To add insult to injury I became I master at hiding them all, so even if you asked my closest friends they would not know what you were referring to.
I can't feel love because I have never felt loved. I prefer to be alone because thats how I have always felt. I gravitate towards the background because I never felt like I was worthy of being counted.
Maybe I will recover, but for now the feelings are there. My advise to you is just hang on. You will have better days and you will have worse, but as you learn to accept yourself you will start to heal, whether the scars go away or not.
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