[rant]

I am new to this forum, and I would like to say hello to all who read this. I wouldn't normally be on a place like this, but lately I've been having some serious issues with my adoption and I desperately need some help.

All throughout my life I thought I was okay with being adopted. I struggled through my adoptive family's belief that I WASN'T okay with it, and maintained throughout all of my teenage years that I was fine.

Now I am 24, and am realizing that I am not fine.

In fact, I'm downright angry, and sad, and hurt as hell.

My adoptive mother died when I was fifteen, and my adoptive father, although he loves me, has been aloof since her death.

Ever since then, I've been lost. And now, at night, I lie and stare at the ceiling and feel white hot rage slowly boiling up inside of me when I think of my birth mother.

I wonder how it is she can remain in silence all these years, I wonder how it is that I'm 24 now and there's no sign of her. I know its not her fault, but I don't know. I just so horribly, unreasonably ANGRY.

She had to give me up because my birth father left her when he found out she was pregnant. But she was also a drug user (heroin and alcohol), and I was born 2 months premature because of her drug abuse. I was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, and my birth family was told I would probably never walk or talk.

And now... now I'm so...... upset. Because I'm old enough to realize the danger she put me in, and the fact that she remains out there, somewhere, silent....

Just kills me.

How can I deal with this? I NEED to deal with this. I can't go on feeling this way.

Any suggestions?