[blessedbybug]

TO me, open adoption is first and foremost a relationship. ANd a family relationship on top of that. And to me (I put that in there because this is my opinion and I know there might be lots who disagree) that means that it is a relationship that is harder to get out of. Some people see it as a friendship but there is no way I could work this hard at a relationship if it was just a friendship. I view it as a family bond, one not easily broken.

That said, like any relationship, the health of it depends on how much mutual effort is put into it. I cannot express the MUTUAL part enough. And with any relationship it will only thrive and grow with honest communication, which includes truth telling with love. It also includes a grace that allows the other person to be who they are in the point in their life that they find each other.

What makes an open adoption relationship unique from any other relationship is that everything that is done/said should be done/said with consideration for the child who is common to the relationship.



We entered into both our adoption placements committed to be in and growing a relationship with the other families of our kids. For an adoption to be truly open, I believe there needs to be mutual sharing of information and face to face contact, that both families are on an even playing field and have the chance to meet and talk in person. In both our situations, we've ended up with semi-open, where we are doing all work of initiating contact and sending updates and especially in DD's situation, we get little to no feedback or seeming interest in working on the relationship mutually. And in that situation, all of our updates go through a mediary (not by oour choice) It is really hard. Things may be improving with DS's other Mom but we'll wait and see. We've been here before and it hasn't worked out, so we're going with it and hoping for the best.

We're committed to working to keep the door open for as long as we can (we keep our minumum commitment to send four updates a year with pictures and we keep them updated on our contact information so they can contact us when they want/can). But I've finally reached a place where I know that I can't keep the relationship working on behalf of both of us. I know that we wouldn't have any contact had I not worked so hard, but I also know that in order for this to work and be healthy for my kids, their other families are going to have to put in some effort. Otherwise, I only see disappointment in the future.

All that said, I believe in the value and possibility of openness. I do believe that each and every situation is unique because ultimately, it is a relationship. It's not easy, but we continue to hope it will be worth it in giving our kids everything they need to know who they are.