[Saya]

I'm not sure where to post this - moderator, please move this if you feel it isn't in the right place.

I've been struggling with this for a long time, and I wanted to see what you all thought. I'm an a-mom through international adoption - my daughter, 2 years old, was born in Guatemala. We are currently in the process to adopt #2 domestically. I have been on this message board for several years now, and I have learned a heck of a lot - often thanks to listening to the words of the smart and insightful ladies here on the birthparents board.

Here's the thing. I am working with the same agency on our current adoption then we did for our previous adoption. They seem truly devoted to the idea that a woman considering relinquishing her baby for adoption should be given every opportunity and resource to parent if that's what she wants to do. They have a department devoted to this, and 65-70% of pregnant women who come to them for adoption services decide to parent. For those who decide upon adoption, they are a BIG advocate of open adoption. As PAPs, we have to go through a series of group classes on open adoption. They very much promote the idea that open and mature communication between b-parents and a-parents is important for the child's welfare.

OK, that's all well and good to me, but I think back to when I used this SAME agency to adopt our daughter, and I'm loathe to recall how different it was. At the international adoption group classes for PAPs the idea of open adoption wasn't even touched upon. I asked so many people along the way - my social worker, my attorney - how I could stay in touch with my daughter's mother, and basically every step of the way people tried to talk me out of it. I was told it would be unsafe for her. I was told she probably wouldn't want contact. I was told it was culturally inappropriate. And though I wanted contact, I let it go. I left the attorney with a letter for DD's mother that expressed that we wanted contact with her, but I don't believe he ever did anything to get it to her. I've tried to reach him several times since my daughter was home about reaching out to her mother in Guatemala, and he hasn't responded.

However now I'm a little more saavy, and I've connected to a yahoo group of parents of Guatemala adoptees who have made or are trying to make contact with birthparents. Many have been successful. And guess what - the birthmothers there are no different then the birthmothers here in the US. Crazy, right? (sarcasm) Most of them are thrilled to have contact, and were told that the ADOPTIVE parents wouldn't want to stay in touch. Some yes, feel that the adoption has to stay secret from their families, but that's no different then many birthmothers here. And some were told awful lies that their babies had died before the adoptions could be completed. I am now overwhelmed with the need to find my daughter's mother - not to force myself on her if she doesn't want contact, but just to let her know - we are here. My/your/our daughter is wonderful. She is safe and happy. I want her to know you, if you are willing. I want you to be a part of our lives. And if you don't want that now, but you will later, we'll still be here.

Blah blah blah. This is a long-winded way of expressing my frustration that international adoption is like 20 YEARS behind domestic adoption in so many ways. I feel like the social workers in the international program hide behind sterotypes - "oh, it wouldn't be culturally appropriate to stay in contact." Um, says who? In domestic adoption, where the potential birthparents are standing right there in the room, my agency treats them like human beings. But for international, the birthmoms are just hypothetical. The agency doesn't think about whether they're getting counseling or financial support, they don't think of these women as individuals with their own goals for what an adoption should look like. The result is these women are completely silenced.

OK, not sure where I'm going with this - I guess I just was thinking I had never really seen this discussed on this board anywhere, and it's really been bugging me. Thanks for reading, and I'd love to hear people's perspectives.