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The question becomes, outside of unforeseen circumstances and emotional hardship, is it OK for a birthmom to disregard the commitments she made to an OA to follow a “whim” (for lack of a better word). If an adoptive parent did this, I might think they had lied when signing the OA, since the adoption is so new.
So why is it different when a birthparent does it?
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i guess in a perfect world, both parties would only agree to what they are willing to commit to.... and both would be equally accountable....
when signing and discussing an OA contract, the birthparents don't have anything "to lose" so to speak.... they don't have any reason to deceive.....the adoptive parents do... they might think if they don't agree to a birthmothers terms, they won't be selected to parent the baby... that's a HUGE risk... and i do think many of them agree to terms just to get the baby... without any intention of keeping them.... (NOT ALL!)
Plus, i think it goes back to a birthmother cannot ever predict how she will eventually feel after relinquishing.... and even those feelings will change over time.... in the first few months, she may be thrilled that she "gave her baby a good life"... maybe she is proud of herself, for "helping a couple become a family"... and maybe by month six she is completely overwhelmed with grief.... and a need for distance.... the thing about being a birthmother, is we often don't recognize why we feel certain ways.... we may think we are moving on a "whim"... when deep down, we can't stand being so near and involved with our child... it may hurt too much, but a birthmother may not recognize that.... alot of our real feelings are buried...
Ultimately, as an adoptive mother, I believe i have greater accountability to my daughter and to my daughters first mother... than my daughters first mother has to me or my daughter...
I believe that how i treat the birthmother matters way more than how she treats me or my daughter... because in the end, i believe that i am a more powerful force in my daughters life than her first mother is... and maybe that is faulty thinking... only time will tell.... but i will only ever relate to my daughters birthmother with compassion, kindness, love and respect first... no matter what.... i know, it's a tall order... but i strongly believe in it... and as my daughters 'mom'... i will be there to help her work through any hurtful choices her birthmom makes... and hopefully, teach her compassion.... in the process.
I did absolutely nothing to "deserve" parenting this beautiful baby.... to be "chosen" to parent her.... her birthmother gave me everything...
I am accountable to my daughter and my daughters birthmother.... eventually, my daughters birthmother will be accountable for her choices and actions... but it is up to my daughter to grow up, mature, and handle that as she sees fit....
julie